Still hasn't hit me..

As I sit here apart from my body aching and the fact I can't stop yawning it still doesn't feel like I just worked 8 hours! (I was kicked twice, hit in the face also twice and hair pulled all by the one boy :S) It also doesn't even feel like today a friend has been lost.. As I sat on the floor with kids all around me a friend informs me of another friends passing as the road decided to take her life last night.

I wish I'd never seen her facebook page.
My partner is friends with her and I deleted all my contacts a few months back now and hadn't gotten around to re-adding others who hadn't added me first. I wish I could write a comment to her like everyone else, one that will never really make it to her. I can hear her laugh, I can see her smile. I hate that I don't have the chance to be her 'friend'. I am so mad about it all. AUGH!

So this will be the comment that will never really make it to you darling girl..

As years pass and people's lives move on ours drifted apart. I quickly push the thought of how I hadn't really seen you all that much these last few years. I don't want that to be the way I last remember you. The distance. Still you and crazy (you know, in a good way) but I want to remember you as the friend who was always there for me, as you were for so, so, so many. You were so strong and always there to help people. I have often thought back to the times where we mucked around on journallive documenting our lives and silly dramas. I loved thinking back to the times we hung out under the carport for weeks on end on the old couches eating crappy junk food and sculling 3L of crisp apple juice and swearing we'd never drink it again. I love remembering dad's nicknames for you such as stiff-knee as he hobbled along and how he thought he was so funny, and we only laughed cause we were laughing at his silly stupidness. I remember the times I cried and you always were there with hugs and notes of encouragement. We got up to all bits of mischief. Our sleepovers. Our adventures.

All of the memories, all of our memories, I will hold them close to my heart x
Love you, you crazy woman!

I hope all these little messages reach you.. somehow.

Hurled into the world of single motherdom.

When I woke up today I did not expect this. I actually kept telling Flint "We're going to have a really good day today aren't we?" Purely to just mean he wasn't going to cry literally all day (3-4 hours all up of nice playtime quietness.....) and that I was going to feel quite good as a mum, not like a I-want-to-throw-you-out-the-window-in-a-minute-but-not-literally mum. One minute just having a nice early morning and almost settling my button and then "Huh? What's that banging noise?" Oh it's just my partner with a furniture mover.. took me a few seconds to click. Hang on, we're not moving until Saturday.......... Then it hit me.

So that's the moment I was hurled into this world of single motherdom.

Without going into details that don't need to be gone into this could be a good thing.. This could be the wrong thing. If it's a good thing how long before it turns into a bad thing.. or vice versa.

I just don't like surprises and uncertainty. That's all that my day has been full of. We both have a lot to work on. Both very different things. So now in this empty house unexpectedly alone. I don't know if this is for good, of if it's permanent but I am worried that by the time we each sort our stuff and get our lives rolling again it'll be too late and it would have all moved along.

I know I love him.. which is making this way too hard.

Anyone looking in the window would say "Oh dear, she's bloody beside herself isn't she?" That would be an understatement of the moment! My heads going crazy and I've had a headache from thinking about it all. My eyes sting.... So now my family of four has now turned into a little family of three.. just little button, Rusty (the dog) and me.

: (



Side note: I just realised when I had created my Google + page the other week I accidently deleted all the albums linked to my google account.. making my page come up with those bloody stupid blue question mark squares as if they're asking how could you be so silly?! Damn it! Bare with me.

Colposcopy - CIN 2

In other news I have had a colposcopy after 2 abnormal smear tests, over a year apart (as I put it off after freaking myself out) and my results are back! So in simple terms. .

Here's normal * "you just have an abnormal smear but nothing to worry about"

Then you have the 3 in between levels:

CIN 1 * - Mild
CIN 2 * - Moderate
CIN 3 * - Severe (and cis)

Here's CIS * which is carcinoma in situ.. whatever that is. I gather thats the stage after the 3 levels of inbetween even though included with 3. .

Unfortunately for me I have to go back again in 6 months for another check.
Poo's for many reasons really. .

Poo's cause it hurts.
Poo's cause it makes you bleed.
Poo's cause it's scary.
Poo's cause the only colposcopist man is creepy and rough handles.

Poo's cause it just sucks.

Has anyone else ever gotten this far with an abnormal smear?
What was your outcome or are you still going through it all?
I need a knowing friend right now I think. .  especially since cancer is strong on dad's female side of the family.. They're all either currently going through some sort of cancer/been through or have already passed away from it. .

Sooooo ummmm. .  :(