There's always a lot to think about..

I always find my mind is going a million miles per hour and I find when I gather my thoughts and go to sit down to write a blog post or talk to my partner it escapes me almost instantly as my mind jumps straight back to mummy things. I find it really hard to separate myself from this. I barely find time to blog and be a new mum - by the way when do I no longer qualify as a 'new' mum? Anybody know?

It's just all so crazy.

I find I learn new things about myself everyday. I learn the new limit my patience is pushed to. I learn how crazy my thoughts can be, how long you can go without a shower (not intentionally) and yes it is possible to be even more and more tired than you thought your body could handle amongst other things.

I've been finding it really hard to withdraw myself from everything as you can so easily get absorbed into the day to day motions of being a mum yet can't get anything that's taunting me off my mind. So I think this calls for a Nanna rescue!

I don't like to burden my Nanna but she is so truly wise. She always has great insights and advice to things and looks after me although it should be the other way around. But I need it. I need her. So I'm sorry dear audience. I've packed my heart and my mind into my suitcase and I'm off to see Nanna's to clear my head, decide on some things and to have a little break from the world (although I'm still bringing the little monster so it does hardly count).. let's hope I make it back or will my stay be that good :P

Only thing, is she doesn't have internet so this is a scheduled blog post (hooray for that option) and I'll have to just do without my four week challenge posts (which need to majorly be sorted out!!) and my tweets which I'm thriving off at the moment. I love my little online family.

Time out!

I'm taking a bit of time off.. you know like a holiday, or stress leave.
So for the next 48 hours I will be computer free.
See you all later!
x

I've finally come to terms with it all!

That just like unicorns, flying pigs and other things like hell freezing over.. well, they just will never happen will they? (image yoinked from this blog) So in my universe there's no unicorns or pigs and no sign of ice.. (jokes!) But I have come to the conclusion that me getting a break may never happen... well not in the next 18 years or so!


If I had every second day to 'breath' without fail then maybe on my days off maybe for a few I'd sleep and meet up with a friend or go and see my Nanna but I'd also have those other things done like cleaning easily cause I love cleaning!! But when I know I'm only getting a few hours I'd rather see a friend and not spend my time when I'm not working my main job (Bubby, the most important and best job in the world I might add) working my other job, cleaning and such.. I wouldn't mind if I had a 'weekend' between these jobs..
I think as the woman who had to carry and push the lil bugger out it's my right to stay at home, so I will! But oh how I'd love to go and work teaching. I miss the little kiddywinks and what my weeks involved and how nicely they all came together. If only I could have both :)

Anyways I know even though I'm not doing that great a job. I went through a lot having to do it all on my own in the very early days as my partner left for work. I didn't have a choice. No one really does at that stage. One day you wake up and that thought of giving birth and having a baby to care for is now a reality and actually happened. Figured most of it out on my own. Family and midwife/internet help input of course! It's motherly instinct. I lasted close to 3 months before I tried admitting myself to the mental asylum.

If only they'd hurry up and accept me!

Indecipherable babbling and banter

So I just took a shower for as long as I could.

Far too wrinkly and lightheaded was the result. I strived for this by making the shower far too hot (red skin to prove it) so that at least when I hoped out of the shower I'd feel the slightest bit better!! When you're on holiday in Honolulu do you go back to your house several times a day to just help out the house sitter? Didn't think so.

Dads have a different view of parenting at the start. I think it's important for dads to be hands on even if it's just for one full day - or two to really see the depth of it.

This would be so they get where your coming from, why you're so cranky, why you make the parenting decisions you make, why you're upset, why you don't want to (or even if you do) have sex with the lack of energy and everything else! Before my partner became fully involved with helping he'd critique and undermine what I was doing which I'm glad has changed a lot. It makes everything easier and he actually helps. I get a lot of stuff done while he sings his crazy funny made up songs to him.

I catch myself smiling as I listen to their silly and indecipherable babbling and banter thrown back to and fro. . Funny how your sentences change to few but exaggerated words once a baby is apart of your world.

--

But alas, all in all a lot is adding to the pile of stress.

Hey babe.. your baby's crying again.
Dang it.

The only thing that I'd like to do right now...

So I'm back. .  not that I've ever left. I mean right now I'm sitting in the same chair, using the same laptop (funnily enough) wearing the same clothes with the same problems. I think it's safe to say that the only thing that I'd like to do right now is run away. In saying that give me a few weeks and I'll look back to now and think "well.. that wasn't so bad really. ." . . .  Poo's I was really hoping to surprise myself! I'm going to try my best at being honest. Mainly because I feel as if I was told white lies of sorts about motherhood and/or I just looked in all the wrong places for information to make it a fairly informative experience.

As we all know there's no 'one fit' model but by golly I really wish there was some sort of. .  mold. I said to my partner how bloody brilliant would it be if they had Sim like meters on their stomachs or something and it fell off after 6 months like the umbilical cord. .  or just faded like washed out watercolour paint. . ! So the meter would rise as he was eating showing he was getting fuller, another meter would rise the more wind he had and you had a tired meter so you'd know if he'd had enough sleep!

Now for certain I know I'm not depressed of sorts (but maybe I am, hey there's no shame!) but I just feel like I have actually tried everything. I have been to a family centre where they help with feeding and sleeping problems. Only thing, although they were brilliant and found that I had low milk supply, I have just seen little change in him. Many people go there in one day and they have about 5 staff on. Now I don't expect them to all stand around my son and I the whole day but they unfortunately aren't seeing his true colours (I'm sure he thinks "Oooh these people feel important I better be good!" *grin*). So I've decided I can do it on my own. Maybe not a good decision but one nevertheless.

I've tried every wind medicine, Weleda colic powder was the most effective! But it's just not having the same effect anymore. He's sleeping but then not. For example today he slept for 2 hours between 12:30pm and 8:15pm!! Now I know the whole debate over bottle or boob is endless but to be honest after a week of using formula to top him up I found he slept deeper (was forever light REM) and seems happier and looks healthier. I know some mums would lecture with the 'breast is best' opinion but in mine I feel what works is best for you and your baby.

Ever since I mentioned that I was mix feeding suddenly everyone else seemed to confess that they were also doing so or had moved onto formula as their babe was always hungry (one girl not realising that you can increase your milk supply with naturopathic remedies and medication - motillium) it was really surprising but reassuring. I think because it's hardly talked about and has been made into such a negative action to turn to (or for some people to begin with..) everybody's scared they will be judged. But hey if it helps mum and baby to be happier and healthier then why not. . ?

So anyway back to depression (If you hadn't realised I'm a hopeless writer/talker and often miss the point as I get hideously side tracked and then forget where I was going with things, but really I'm just venting and typing mindlessly so that I feel something's coming off my shoulders since these knots wont!) I don't think I am as the family centre checks for this and each time I did the test they said I was getting a smaller score each time, a bit like golf I imagine. I don't feel like if I'm left alone with the cheeky boy for too long, or by myself I might hurt him/me. .

I just wish I could actually leave things for a week and just come back. Really who's saying I can't? My partner sure has said that I should go for a little break away for a night or two, I could express a bit (although very hard with still having a low milk supply) or he could just formula feed him. But there's no way you can leave a baby behind. They completely rely on you and their world revolves around you (and dad and maybe other siblings also!) and I just don't want that to change. .  and I love him and just think really why I would but sometimes I just think things would be easier without him (please don't get me wrong here) but then if I was "without him" then I wouldn't need to get the things done that I need to get done. .

Gaaah so hard to explain. Let me think this through and I'll try elaborate on these feelings and thoughts.

Well I'm going to go prepare his bottle for a dream feed. Lets hope tonight goes a lot better and he sleeps through the night - the first time in a month! It just feels like he'll never go back to doing so. .

Here's something to send you on your way.. I know more or less I'm just blogging out into space, but it's easier than yelling into space. I have to save the little energy I've got.

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for ~Author Unknown