Waiting for the light.

Why is it all the people who have been saying all along that you will get told so much by everyone and everyone will think they know best are now telling me what to do like their way is the only way and just because their kids older than mine they must know everything right?? (not everyone is like this and thank you to those who are truly helpful and not judgmental)

I'm going to try so hard to maintain (in this blog and more so in day-to-day life) that I am not harsh or critical with telling people what to do with their children. I will try hard to not make my opinion and my ideas to sound like the only way or make others feel like their choices with parenting are useless/the wrong way.. Make people feel like I'm right with my thoughts and am trying to pressure everyone.

I have chosen not to co-sleep.
I have chosen to breast-feed, which isn't working out.
Whatever the reason my be..
I feel I know my body best to determine what the problem may be.. and I've talked to so many 'health professionals' and they are all saying the same thing so that must count for something right?
I will soon/eventually choose to solely bottle feed.

I love people who co-sleep, I wish I could sometimes!!
I feel greatly for the people who can't breast-feed..
And wish I could produce so much that I could give to those people also!

Just like career choices, friend and partner choices.. Everybody's decision is different and often very personal so why does parenting come under so much scrutiny? It's so exhuasting and makes me want to cry.

Sometimes I just screw asking people for advice and have a look on the internet and oh hold up, I've often found it contradictory.. You almost have to pick one website and stick to it, don't branch out you'll only become more confuzzled!! So I could turn to books but how do I know which one's right for me?!

It's okay so I just find it easier to not think about all of that and just plodge along and just hope I'll see the light in this tunnel soon! I'm sure this has a hundred bends in it and I wont see the light until the very last minute.. that'd be the way. I just need some encouragement!

So maybe other mum blogs are a great way to look for help and information. I mean hey, that's what I'm trying to do! Give one side of the story, give my events and happenings and how I went about it, or maybe more like how I didn't cope with this and what did and didn't work. Hahaha well, you know how it goes!

So I stumbled across these two blogs:
Three Little Princess 
I follow her on twitter, she also has a cute little The Shed section!
I quite like that bit!
Be A Fun Mum
Just stumbled on this one but it has heaps of helpful resources.
I love resources, a true teacher ;)


TLP talked about this AMAZING book on her post 'The book that stopped me crying'.

Now I've already scrolled and read a lot of her posts so it confuzzled me a lot that I didn't come across this sooner but hey this is a perfect 'better late than never' moment. If I never found this post I may not be here in a month.. The mental asylum would surely take me as a serious patient by then!!

This couldn't come any sooner as I have been pulling my hair out (well, it's actually falling out and going bald in spots!) today he just would not stop crying so I left him to it and thought if you're that upset about who knows what well you can feed yourself. Now he can't hold his bottle properly yet so I propped it up under a blanket and his mini girafee toy. He just looked so cute I had to take a picture! I never really stay annoyed for long!

So he cries when I enter the room but settles once I'm near. Cries when I leave the room. Cries if I don't keep looking at him heaven forbid I look away for longer than 15 seconds. This makes it all so difficult to prepare his feeds, even if I do it before he's awake and just need to heat it. I still have to leave him :S So it's making for a very stressful mum Doesn't help he's had a few days of three 10 minute naps. Very testing work it is to be a mum, that's for sure!

-

Here's a bit from BAFM - Sacrifices
This blog post rung true to me and has given me the most perfect, spot-on encouragement that I need at this point and after the weeks and days I've been having!


Motherhood. It’s filled with so much joy. Incredible really. But there is also a lot of sacrifice involved. And I can tell you, I felt it especially when my children were little...

1. What you eat can affect pregnancy and breastfeeding.
2. When you eat depends on when you have a spare moment (and sometimes you hide in the pantry to eat a piece of chocolate so you don’t need explain to a 2-year-old, why they can’t have some).
3. What you wear depends on how much vomit and snot you are prepared to have on a particular outfit.
4. When you dress you need to allow for breastfeeding and looking after little children. This means dresses are sometimes out…and dangly earrings, and long hair left out, and necklaces, and rings, and a lot of other things.
5. When you sleep, and how long for, depends how sick your children are, when they are teething and a myriad of other reasons.
6. What you do and where you go depends on how settled your child is and a million other variables.
7. The home needs to be child proof, and is rarely tidy when you have a toddler tearing around pulling everything out.
8. You can’t go anywhere without a huge bag filled with mumsy things.
9. You can almost never sit down for a more than a few minutes, even when you’re trying to have coffee with a friend.
10. You’re constantly (absolutely constantly) responsible for keeping another person alive.
11. Sometimes you feel like a machine, always providing for the needs of other and cease to exist as an individual person.

Boy is that true?

(go and read the whole post if you have time!!)

She finished with this:

So, if you’re in the midst of raising little kids, feeling weary and my story rings true to you, I’m telling you from the other side: What you are doing is vital, even when no one notices. It’s an investment, so keep on keeping on and keep on loving the moment. While it may not be clear now, you’ll look back and see all the moments for what they are: pieces of a beautiful masterpiece.

I think I love her.

In good news..

So I think I've done it all. I've tried expressing more, feeding more, drinking more, eating more, medication (motilium with domperidone included), lactation cookies, a naturopath type remedy. I just don't know what else to try, and like I've said before I don't like to give up but maybe there's nothing else I can do. Like a friend who's just given birth maybe 2 weeks ago now still hasn't had her milk come in and is waiting so patiently.. and another friend who's milk just never did! So should I just count my chickens and cash them in or what?

So in good news it hasn't decreased any further.. maybe just ever so slightly increased.. but alas it is making things hard. It's like having to cook dinner once you've just eaten a small bit of fast food? Why not just buy your whole meal from the fast food outlet (by the way this place is amazing.. free and babies seem to love it!) BUT if you can't then I guess why bother going out only to come home and have to cook something extra to put with it.. you'd just stay in and cook the whole meal in the first place. A lot less effort I think..

IF I suddenly could grab a whole meal from the fast food outlet I SO WOULD. But I've just run out of ideas and just haven't been given anymore :S

Have you ever had a milk supply problem or know of any who has? What did they do to try and increase it? If you've finished breast-feeding how did you come off it without putting yourself through too much pain and engorgement? Tips? Tricks?

I don't like to give up. . at all.

I'm not a 'quitter'. I hate giving up. Especially when I'm forced to or there's no other obvious option.

I'm afraid to say I'm going to give up breast-feeding.

I don't want to. If someone could say, hang on! Here, take this and your milk will be back to normal. .  I'd even be stoked with being engorged again. I can handle that! But what makes me sad is that I just have nothing. Well. .  I can do almost a whole feed first thing in the morning but I just feel maybe it's adding stress to everything. I mean who's to say I'm bad for stopping and turning to the bottle? I sure know there'd be a huge outcry at the breast-feeding society* and an angel would die because of my decision.. one for each breast** I can already hear them crying. . Oh wait that's just me.

I want to fix my milk supply so bad but nothing seems to work. It was at least not getting any worse (or better) for ages. .  so I had a decent something to give. I'd say I'm at 30% performance compared to the whole 150% I had the first few weeks of being a mum.

Maybe it's because I changed from demand feeding?
Maybe my body didn't like that.
Maybe it's because I  expressed and that put me off swing?
Maybe my body didn't like that.
Maybe I missed to many feeds over the course, and my body didn't like that.

It just sucks the cards I was dealt.
Why can't everyone just have the same stable amount throughout? I just don't feel ready to let go of it yet but I feel there isn't any other choice if it's possibly making things stressful, taking all energy I do have to create the little milk I do have. I don't like giving up. I know giving up doesn't make you a failure. . I just feel so crap about it all I feel like the milk coming out, that he's drinking, is just rubbish now :(

Why couldn't I be good at just ONE thing? Just one! If I can't get the sleeping and everything else to do with mothering right. .  why not just this?

What advice does anyone have regarding breast-feeding? Did you have a milk supply problem? Any tips for easing of breast-feeding in the most simple way. . What if I get mastitis? I don't know if I can let go. .  I can just see my self holding on to one last feed when my breasts are bursting at the seams. .  Advice???

Search "giving up" on google or something as an image search. Go on. Do it when you feel like you need to give up. You wont want to after. .  how encouraging!

"When the world says give up, hope whispers 'try it one more time..'"
"There is a difference between giving up, & knowing when you have had enough."

They just make me feel guilty. .  I know I shouldn't but I don't know what else to feel when I have to. .  Or do I not? Can someone please tell me?

* - fictional 
** - also a fictional idea

M.I.A - A post on nothing much.

I can't believe it's almost been a week since my last post! I've been crazy busy and am just finding no time for anything! So my mood went down and since then it's been back up (and maybe down then up again haha), haven't been feeling all that well, super sore breasts (have  the same lumping like you do when your milk first comes in??) so they're being difficult.. having toilet problems, exhausted (but when did that change?!) and just plain craziness.

Yesterday two of my favourite friends came over for lunch! It was so nice to properly catch up with both of them. One whom still hadn't met my little button yet - busy life of a teacher, oh I can imagine!! So they both brought yummy treats to eat and i made some little filo pastry parcels. A nice thing to do on a crappy rainy day.

My amazing partner has been looking after me for the last few days. Helping out a lot with feeding and settling and helping me feel better. He's made me a "How much water have I drunken today?" chart. The aim is six. Normally I'd say oh.. I might have umm.. thr.. none. So the first day I finished with 4.  Not quite there yet but that's pretty damn amazing for me!

So between random milk leakages, daytime naps, sore breasts, not feeling the best and the endless pile of washing that we all know too well I've been doing okay really. I do have something exciting to share that I'd love at least someone to follow along with me, but I'll save that for a separate post or two! :D

Flimsy routine

Hi OneMumsJourney!
My name's Sarah. I'm from Glasgow and have just stumbled across your blog! Just wondering how your day is structured with your little one? I am just demand feeding but want to try get into a routine! Help? I've had a bit of a nosey through google but just can't seem to find a lot. Many thanks and happy blogin'!


Sarah, UK - 09:43:46 PM, Monday 06, June 2011 BST

Thanks so much for your email! You don't know how exciting it was to see I had mail for the first time!! I'm not sure I'll be any help though, so here we go.

I chose to adapt the feed, play, sleep kinda thing. They say to feed your baby once he/she wakes up and you get her out of bed - change his/her nappy and then play time or short awake time (depends how old your bub is?) - then swaddle and into bed when you see a tired sign (anything from rubbing eyes, yawning, making fists, grizzling, looking away from you).

It's all about what works for you and your baby. he/she might not like the way you do things. .  One way is you could note down how your day goes (feeds, sleeps etc) and see if there's already a loose structure. I try to have fixed times (which I keep feeds as close to the chosen time as much as possible) but if my wee boy wakes up early or stays up a bit longer then I just roll with it hahaha :D

A great easy breezy day goes a little bit like this:

7:30am - wakes up
Nappy change and then breast-feed
(I tend to change first as he has a bit of reflux so this helps!)
Has a play in his bouncinette
I sterilise his bottles for his formula top up (my low milk supply)
Swaddle
Bottle feed him and he tends to fall asleep straight after 25ml*
9am - asleep!

11:30am - wakes up
Nappy change
Hops under his play gym for tummy time while I sterilse and make his feed of 50ml
Swap over to his back (he gets impatient on his lil belly)
I try to make lunch and/or play with him!
Swaddle
Breast-feed then bottle top up
Let him sit for 5-10 minutes to let his tummy settle
1pm - asleep!

4pm - wakes up
Nappy change
Hops under his play gym while I once again sterilse and make his feed of 75ml
Swap him to tummy and play with him etc :D

Swaddle

Breast-feed then bottle top up*

5:30 - asleep!

7:30pm - wakes up
Has a play in his bouncinette and play gym after
Meanwhile I get everything ready if I haven't in between feeds (bottles 100ml, bath etc)
Bathtime!
Blowdry (with hairdryer he loves this and gets him dry fast and kept warm!)
Massage
Swaddle
Breast-feed then bottle top up
9pm - asleep

~**~

Then it starts all over again! Sometimes I dream-feed depending on the day and how much he drunk. Sometimes he can be silly and wont have a lot and sleeps more and some days he has extra big feeds. If it's been a busy stressful day he is so tired he wont drink much for his last feed so then I'll give him the top up so he doesn't wake.

* - They suggest to not feed to sleep as they associate the two together so often I just wake him up again as I'm putting him into bed. Turn his mobile on, give him a firm kiss and say Goodnight baby quite loudly. Someone suggested this so they then see they're in bed (and don't worry that they're now in a different place an mums no longer there) and then put themselves back to sleep. Seems to be working for him so hey :D

See my next post for nappy changes with a reusable nappy - cause he's a serial wetter so I need to do them a bit more often while he's awake. Good luck Sarah and whatever works works, sorry I'm no big help but it really is a trial and error cause what works for one mum and bub might not work for the other! :D

Boobs and Bottles!

The debate over breast-feeding and formula is crazy!

I still can't believe how it wasn't even mentioned during my pregnancy. I think there is a great amount of information (and pressure) out there to breast feed how to's and such but just what happens if you can't or like me, have a low milk supply. Then what. .  Starve them? No. You have to use an alternative - formula.

I don't see the harm in it. Yeah, comparing it to breastmilk there is a bit of an outweigh but still formula does have it's pros. I wish I could fully breast fed as opposed to mix feeding him but I did have to stuff it up. People say to eat but don't give you reasons why you should. I'm the kind of person that if told "If you do this then you wont have to deal with that. And if you have to do that there are all these problems . . ." How time consuming is buying (or lately, finding) the formula you have chosen, preparing the feed and sterilising the bottles beforehand, having pre-boiled cold water!! So exhausting. Sure makes for a well thought out dreamfeed. I took for granted just popping a boob in that's for sure.

If only I had been told. Hey, Melissa just so you know there's a thing you can have called a low milk supply. Now some people just get it and it's their body. But you, you're going to struggle with feeding and eating. .  looking after yourself. You're not going to find time and boy, it sure is hard to, but you need to. If you don't you wont have enough milk to feed him. If you're lucky you'll spot it before he looses weight. He wont sleep properly because he's hungry. He'll cry lot's. Oh and you know that little time you had. .  where you could maybe eat but will decide to sit there in thought or just blob watching tv until his next feed (you'll probably fall asleep) well, instead you'll be using that very little time to now prepare bottles and the bottle feed for him. So now you really have less time to yourself and very VERY little time to eat.

. . . . . Now that you have very VERY little time to eat your milk supply will decrease even more.. it'll slow riiiight down as you'll have less and less calories and energy to burn . . . . .

Great. A never ending circle.

- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -

On positive news I have discovered an AMAZING wrap. It's called the miracle blanket. Here's one place you can get it from - the sleep store! (click!!) They also have great sleeping information for newborn to pre schoolers. My lil button no longer can get out of it! It's great because there's still so much room for him to move in it (pediatrician approved!) and it's not tight at all. So easy to use, no velcro, no nothing! So easy peasy. This will make a few things easier.

Oddly he hasn't been feeding or sleeping a lot in the last 48 hours. I've put him down to bed today a whole hour early (great as he was starting to take an hour longer at the night feed) and he drunk almost as much as he normally does (boobs and bottle) before he fell asleep. So cute.

I love breast feeding him and just wish I had of known EVERYTHING about it all beforehand. But that would have been too easy hey?

Ouch..

I thought maybe my lil button was passing on his thrush to one of my breasts/nipples as it was getting more painful as each feed began. So last night I decided to take a breath and have a look - Yes I hadn't looked at my nipple for the last few days scared as to what I'd see!

"So. .  yup. .  looks kinda normal.. maybe a bit red. . ? Nothing white. .  I don't even know what I'm looki. Oh. Ow!" And there it was a fairly small cut just above my nipple. Just looks like it's gone through the top bit of the skin but owww does it hurt! It's not bleeding which is nice. Guess I don't have a lot of that red stuff left to spare at the rate I've been going!

I know exactly why this has happened though. .  A mister so and so likes to yank his head back real fast while still holding on. No idea why but it pulls. Sometimes he like to turn his head a whole 90 degrees (or more if he can!) and keep holding on. Sometimes to see who's waking past or just to be plain nosey!

It was only a matter of time really.
I do try to hold his head there quite firmly but there's a fine line between the sudden unexpected yanking and breast suffocation.

The only thing that I'd like to do right now...

So I'm back. .  not that I've ever left. I mean right now I'm sitting in the same chair, using the same laptop (funnily enough) wearing the same clothes with the same problems. I think it's safe to say that the only thing that I'd like to do right now is run away. In saying that give me a few weeks and I'll look back to now and think "well.. that wasn't so bad really. ." . . .  Poo's I was really hoping to surprise myself! I'm going to try my best at being honest. Mainly because I feel as if I was told white lies of sorts about motherhood and/or I just looked in all the wrong places for information to make it a fairly informative experience.

As we all know there's no 'one fit' model but by golly I really wish there was some sort of. .  mold. I said to my partner how bloody brilliant would it be if they had Sim like meters on their stomachs or something and it fell off after 6 months like the umbilical cord. .  or just faded like washed out watercolour paint. . ! So the meter would rise as he was eating showing he was getting fuller, another meter would rise the more wind he had and you had a tired meter so you'd know if he'd had enough sleep!

Now for certain I know I'm not depressed of sorts (but maybe I am, hey there's no shame!) but I just feel like I have actually tried everything. I have been to a family centre where they help with feeding and sleeping problems. Only thing, although they were brilliant and found that I had low milk supply, I have just seen little change in him. Many people go there in one day and they have about 5 staff on. Now I don't expect them to all stand around my son and I the whole day but they unfortunately aren't seeing his true colours (I'm sure he thinks "Oooh these people feel important I better be good!" *grin*). So I've decided I can do it on my own. Maybe not a good decision but one nevertheless.

I've tried every wind medicine, Weleda colic powder was the most effective! But it's just not having the same effect anymore. He's sleeping but then not. For example today he slept for 2 hours between 12:30pm and 8:15pm!! Now I know the whole debate over bottle or boob is endless but to be honest after a week of using formula to top him up I found he slept deeper (was forever light REM) and seems happier and looks healthier. I know some mums would lecture with the 'breast is best' opinion but in mine I feel what works is best for you and your baby.

Ever since I mentioned that I was mix feeding suddenly everyone else seemed to confess that they were also doing so or had moved onto formula as their babe was always hungry (one girl not realising that you can increase your milk supply with naturopathic remedies and medication - motillium) it was really surprising but reassuring. I think because it's hardly talked about and has been made into such a negative action to turn to (or for some people to begin with..) everybody's scared they will be judged. But hey if it helps mum and baby to be happier and healthier then why not. . ?

So anyway back to depression (If you hadn't realised I'm a hopeless writer/talker and often miss the point as I get hideously side tracked and then forget where I was going with things, but really I'm just venting and typing mindlessly so that I feel something's coming off my shoulders since these knots wont!) I don't think I am as the family centre checks for this and each time I did the test they said I was getting a smaller score each time, a bit like golf I imagine. I don't feel like if I'm left alone with the cheeky boy for too long, or by myself I might hurt him/me. .

I just wish I could actually leave things for a week and just come back. Really who's saying I can't? My partner sure has said that I should go for a little break away for a night or two, I could express a bit (although very hard with still having a low milk supply) or he could just formula feed him. But there's no way you can leave a baby behind. They completely rely on you and their world revolves around you (and dad and maybe other siblings also!) and I just don't want that to change. .  and I love him and just think really why I would but sometimes I just think things would be easier without him (please don't get me wrong here) but then if I was "without him" then I wouldn't need to get the things done that I need to get done. .

Gaaah so hard to explain. Let me think this through and I'll try elaborate on these feelings and thoughts.

Well I'm going to go prepare his bottle for a dream feed. Lets hope tonight goes a lot better and he sleeps through the night - the first time in a month! It just feels like he'll never go back to doing so. .

Here's something to send you on your way.. I know more or less I'm just blogging out into space, but it's easier than yelling into space. I have to save the little energy I've got.

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for ~Author Unknown

Finally.. hopefully I'm not typing too soon!

So for the last few days something strange.. he's finally napping through the day and settling just lovely at night. .  maybe it's just because he felt sorry for me and decided he'd given me a decent run for my money.

Still so exhausted. .  I keep forgetting to catch up with rest while he's sleeping! Instead I go into crazy mode and my mind suddenly kicks into overdrive of what I can get done. .  When I finally decided that it would be good to get to sleep (also running myself a bit dry) I lay down to a few minutes and then it's begun all over again. That will teach me for leaving it so late to nap though! A few hours of cleaning and organizing certainly gets away on me.

I found he had a bit of reflux (having no idea that he had it until a friend asked if he did) which was making him a bit upset and hard to settle. Thanks Gaviscon! I've also started mixing it with 4/5 gripe water which is helping him pass wind more often. .  still farting a lot of it out though - like a true man :P

People who say they 'slept like a baby' has obviously never had one.

Boy. Sleep is scarce around here! Any quiet moment (which is rare in itself I must say) I find myself drifting off to sleep. Sometimes while breast-feeding, going toilet. .  even bathing him makes me even sleepier!

Help would be invaluable right now. .  you'd think it would actually live up to it's name though - help. .  it would help in some ways, give me a break is what my partner says. But really, if I'm not feeding, burping, changing, bathing, coxing him to sleep I'm trying to catch up with everything else. If I didn't the washing piles would be up to the windows by now and my sister would have made us all clothes out of flax. That wouldn't be a bad idea actually since there is an abundance at this house!


Who would have thought having a baby would be so hard. Yes it's rewarding but the true test is the whole trial and error debacle!! I have trouble getting him to fall asleep most times when he is due to sleep and now has started refusing stubbornly during times to go for hours and will just cry. Sometimes i'll look at the clock and it'll have been 3 hours and still not a droopy eye in sight. What works for one baby won't work for another. THEN to mix it all up again what works one day might not work the next.

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

~ Franklin P. Jones

I have tried everything. Wrapping, not wrapping, rocking, a bath before night time, singing, using a pacifier, playing classical/soothing/white noise from youtube, dimming the lights, the feed-change-wrap-'play'/'interact'. .  then swapped it around to change-wrap-feed for night time.. massage, controlled crying - although most people would say he's far too young. I've run out of ideas!

Using a dummy was brilliant for the first week and he didn't spit it out too often and stopped crying to concentrate on his new found comfort. Now he spits it out all the time and has learnt how to cry. .  with the dummy still in!! Every time I need to settle him to sleep it truely is different from the last.

I was warned that a babies sleep cycle can be pretty erratic but this just feels ridiculous. In saying that give me a few weeks and I'll look back to now and think "well. .  that wasn't so bad really. ."

Fingers crossed huh?