Screw being a mum some days.

Today is one of those days.
I want to go to sleep and never wake up again.
The only problem is 'one of those days' keep turning into 'one of those weeks'..

Give it another week and it'll turn into one of those months.


Now when I say I want to sleep and never wake up again I don't really mean I want to die.. so don't try to read in between the lines here! I really am just so exhausted that my body and mind feels so weak. I don't even know how I'm bloody managing to carry on like this!

My little button is crying all the time! So many people say he's just teething or he's still getting over being sick but I really just don't thinks so.. Call it whatever you want but I think it's mothers intuition. He could be though. It's just like the blasted squeaking noise that comes irregularly from my car. I have no idea what's making that noise (it recently had a service and 2 warrant of fitnesses over the duration of 'the squeak') so I have no bloody clue what outfit to take it to to fix it. It's driving me mad and some days I worry it could be something serious.
In that aspect I'm stuck.

Just like 'the squeak' Im stuck with what to do with this broken little button. Last night he cried from 2am until 7am. On and off and in his sleep. Other nights I've had continual grizzling in his sleep making me lie there awake unable to sleep. I could go in another room but I don't want to if he's like this! I've tried co-sleeping 2 nights in a row and it made no difference apart from not having to get up to put in the dummy back in! I didn't want to do that for too long either because I don't want that to become a permanent want for him and then I'll be fighting to get him out of my bed forever more (maybe not but I don't want to run the risk) well, until I train him to be able to sleep on his own again.

I just don't know what to do and who to see to be able to help me..! I can't go to the Family centre to help with sleep cause they seemed to be fairly useless when it came to helping if they didn't see the problem happening right in front of them. He sleeps pretty good during the day. Just cries all between being up, might be happy for a little while maybe! It also doesn't help that when anyone else is around be it them, my mum.. his dad, my friends or whoever he seems to be okayish.

And he's sweaty.. He gets too hot, he sweats. Lately he's been a little bit sweaty/sticky feeling even if he's starting to get cold.

God I just don't know. Screw being a mum some days. They sure were right when they said it's the hardest job... like ever. Sometime I can feel myself turning a light shade of green when I think of those mums who have it all together and make motherhood look just as easy as breathing. But I know at the same time I wouldn't want it any other way.


On a more positive note it's a freaking gorgeous day! I'm inside and it's so hot I'm in a singlet and skirt... And it's only a ew days into spring. I always can never decide if I like summer or winter better...

Winter:
-The snow
-Hearty warm dinners
-Snuggly nights in bed
-Better fashion (normally)
-Easier to warm up than cool down in most situations
-You can have really long hot showers

Summer:
-The nice weather brings your mood up
-You don't have to wear as much
-The beach
-Summer treats like icecream
-Washing takes quicker to dry
- You don't (well I don't) get sick with colds and crap
-Christmas, my birthday etc etc etc

I really never can decide... until today.
I officially can say Summer is number one.
But Winter is a very close second.

Mount Ruapehu : NZ - 2008

Blunt as.

Things I have learnt.

Babies, well you work around them not the other way around. Especially those early days. Try fight it but they resist harder and smirk in their sleep!

Starting this whole journey. .  with 3 days of no sleep. Not good for your health. I can't imagine if I'd lost any more!

Broken sleep does NOT count as sleep.
This has been my latest sleeping er. .  gains?

No more than 4 hours of sleep for 2/3 of the time
           - Only 1.5 - 2 hour sleeps: first month
           - 4-6hour sleeps for 2 weeks tops
           - back to 3 - 5 hours broken sleep: 6 weeks


I know that a lot of mums I've talked to feel the same feeling as I do when I glance over to my partner and see him in sleepy land having the time of his life! Soon he shall know the wrath of the night feed :P

The start you really are on your own (not aaaactually) even with your mum and whoever else you have helping. .  There will be numerous times where you are just at home. You and bubby. What's worse maybe is if you have SO much help, one moment there may not be any when you need it. .  then it hits you.

My day is all over the show. And rather repetitive.
While having to cook dinner for the mum and dad (that's us!) and do the washing, look after a dog amongst it, clean up, wash, settle the baby, hang out, try shower, settle again, make dinner, prepare feeds, doctors visits, put away washing, post up trademe auctions to make money, package and address them, oh settle the baby, grab the barking dog because he's seen a cat for the millionth time oh and resettle the baby AGAIN since hes now woken up from the barking, clean bottles, give baby gaviscon, do groceries. . . . . . . . ! AUGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is give me a freaking break. .  someone, please?! :(

Sorry -- cracked nipples, engorgement, no sleep, sex attempts of sorts (hard to explain), do almost everything around the house not to mention the whole process of pregnancy. . and let's not get started on having to get the poor thing out of me -- just a bit intense aye? :S

Who would have guessed?

So. .  I came home from having a colposcopy (not to be mistaken for a colonoscopy!!) and the house is quiet, my partners sterilizing the bottles and bubby is fast asleep.
Wow shiver my timbers.

So with that I said Sorry babe but I'm going to go to Nanna's for the day. I'm over it and just can't be stuffed right now so with that attitude I really just need to get away.

Last night he had a dream feed (which he had not had the night before and woke up often) and still did the same!

He awoke at 3:30ish, I put the dummy in. He decided to grizzle until who knows when as I was that tired and fell asleep before he did. So since he has it all under control I'm leaving it to him to take care of the lil button for the day (possibly tomorrow) and I'll just express my little boobs off.

People who say they 'slept like a baby' has obviously never had one.

Boy. Sleep is scarce around here! Any quiet moment (which is rare in itself I must say) I find myself drifting off to sleep. Sometimes while breast-feeding, going toilet. .  even bathing him makes me even sleepier!

Help would be invaluable right now. .  you'd think it would actually live up to it's name though - help. .  it would help in some ways, give me a break is what my partner says. But really, if I'm not feeding, burping, changing, bathing, coxing him to sleep I'm trying to catch up with everything else. If I didn't the washing piles would be up to the windows by now and my sister would have made us all clothes out of flax. That wouldn't be a bad idea actually since there is an abundance at this house!


Who would have thought having a baby would be so hard. Yes it's rewarding but the true test is the whole trial and error debacle!! I have trouble getting him to fall asleep most times when he is due to sleep and now has started refusing stubbornly during times to go for hours and will just cry. Sometimes i'll look at the clock and it'll have been 3 hours and still not a droopy eye in sight. What works for one baby won't work for another. THEN to mix it all up again what works one day might not work the next.

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

~ Franklin P. Jones

I have tried everything. Wrapping, not wrapping, rocking, a bath before night time, singing, using a pacifier, playing classical/soothing/white noise from youtube, dimming the lights, the feed-change-wrap-'play'/'interact'. .  then swapped it around to change-wrap-feed for night time.. massage, controlled crying - although most people would say he's far too young. I've run out of ideas!

Using a dummy was brilliant for the first week and he didn't spit it out too often and stopped crying to concentrate on his new found comfort. Now he spits it out all the time and has learnt how to cry. .  with the dummy still in!! Every time I need to settle him to sleep it truely is different from the last.

I was warned that a babies sleep cycle can be pretty erratic but this just feels ridiculous. In saying that give me a few weeks and I'll look back to now and think "well. .  that wasn't so bad really. ."

Fingers crossed huh?