As we all know there's no 'one fit' model but by golly I really wish there was some sort of. . mold. I said to my partner how bloody brilliant would it be if they had Sim like meters on their stomachs or something and it fell off after 6 months like the umbilical cord. . or just faded like washed out watercolour paint. . ! So the meter would rise as he was eating showing he was getting fuller, another meter would rise the more wind he had and you had a tired meter so you'd know if he'd had enough sleep!
Now for certain I know I'm not depressed of sorts (but maybe I am, hey there's no shame!) but I just feel like I have actually tried everything. I have been to a family centre where they help with feeding and sleeping problems. Only thing, although they were brilliant and found that I had low milk supply, I have just seen little change in him. Many people go there in one day and they have about 5 staff on. Now I don't expect them to all stand around my son and I the whole day but they unfortunately aren't seeing his true colours (I'm sure he thinks "Oooh these people feel important I better be good!" *grin*). So I've decided I can do it on my own. Maybe not a good decision but one nevertheless.
I've tried every wind medicine, Weleda colic powder was the most effective! But it's just not having the same effect anymore. He's sleeping but then not. For example today he slept for 2 hours between 12:30pm and 8:15pm!! Now I know the whole debate over bottle or boob is endless but to be honest after a week of using formula to top him up I found he slept deeper (was forever light REM) and seems happier and looks healthier. I know some mums would lecture with the 'breast is best' opinion but in mine I feel what works is best for you and your baby.
Ever since I mentioned that I was mix feeding suddenly everyone else seemed to confess that they were also doing so or had moved onto formula as their babe was always hungry (one girl not realising that you can increase your milk supply with naturopathic remedies and medication - motillium) it was really surprising but reassuring. I think because it's hardly talked about and has been made into such a negative action to turn to (or for some people to begin with..) everybody's scared they will be judged. But hey if it helps mum and baby to be happier and healthier then why not. . ?
So anyway back to depression (If you hadn't realised I'm a hopeless writer/talker and often miss the point as I get hideously side tracked and then forget where I was going with things, but really I'm just venting and typing mindlessly so that I feel something's coming off my shoulders since these knots wont!) I don't think I am as the family centre checks for this and each time I did the test they said I was getting a smaller score each time, a bit like golf I imagine. I don't feel like if I'm left alone with the cheeky boy for too long, or by myself I might hurt him/me. .
I just wish I could actually leave things for a week and just come back. Really who's saying I can't? My partner sure has said that I should go for a little break away for a night or two, I could express a bit (although very hard with still having a low milk supply) or he could just formula feed him. But there's no way you can leave a baby behind. They completely rely on you and their world revolves around you (and dad and maybe other siblings also!) and I just don't want that to change. . and I love him and just think really why I would but sometimes I just think things would be easier without him (please don't get me wrong here) but then if I was "without him" then I wouldn't need to get the things done that I need to get done. .
Gaaah so hard to explain. Let me think this through and I'll try elaborate on these feelings and thoughts.
Well I'm going to go prepare his bottle for a dream feed. Lets hope tonight goes a lot better and he sleeps through the night - the first time in a month! It just feels like he'll never go back to doing so. .
Here's something to send you on your way.. I know more or less I'm just blogging out into space, but it's easier than yelling into space. I have to save the little energy I've got.
A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for ~Author Unknown
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